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OUR ABANDONED SELVES

Initially defined as someone else’s mine, and taken from my me by the time I’m three, I spend the rest of my life giving my me you see to others. However, if I had my childhood druthers the veil from which I see through to all my others, keeps me blind and from seeing the most important part of being, me. See?

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Look, that I CAN exist not purely for others to be seen, but in spite of me not being able to be me, seen. It was them first, then me which seemed to be the thing which made sense, to a certain degree THIS was the manner by which I should mater, I decreed!

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“Shhhhh!” they’d all say without saying a word, yet still speaking volumes and in only their terms. They’d scream she’ll be back she’s just being her self, don’t pay any her any mind -but, all the while they were beguiled and while my defenses grew up wild, I didn’t. I was however, bitter, confused and not all together clear. I didn’t No! I didn’t ask, whyI I just accepted what I was. The message was clear: 

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“You are not untold!” What was —

given to me as answers: too confused, too unsure, too unworthy, I don’t matter, When silence is definitely what actually was the matter. Not me. I was the one who who believed I didn’t matter.


Until I found the person whom I thought I needed to be, in therapy, you see I found my very own key. To me? My journey inward almost always took me out.

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Not yet I’d think to my self (as if I had no doubt), that I’d find success in doing, it was I found out, that action takes more action, That’s how you move out. Of all of this sameness I’d find lots of clout, I’d have riches, I'd have fam, I mean fame. But still it was not time for my I and it always seemed lame.

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I worked hard, I hardly worked on anything but me, but I didn’t know I didn’t know that I could say no to them and not be mean. Mean in that tense sense and still rose. Up and down in moods on swings doing lots and lots of things. I also kept talking and telling my others about me, when soon (though it took many years) to discover and uncover one true thing I hold dear:

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I no longer long to learn life’s lessons like this, I want to be perfectly clear. I want bliss I want travel, I want to but over and over again I’d gain access through the one thing I didn’t want- to be clear: I only seemed to find solace in crisis, as did so many I continue to look back toward the rear of my life. 

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Then why, I asked me, are your relationships have to be mere vessels or hosts in order for me to be me? To manipulate, and use instead of just wonder. Why life keeps happening to me in its stead. Of the other?

Before I had help to better recognize my Self, my threats and my drama became

my only means for me to mean something to someone, and when being mean became my mean for me to let others in, only to reject their acceptance of me because I didn’t know who I have been. I stopped.


I pause. I stay curious from within. And in doing so, I did not find my Self from there. There was a trauma it turns out which explained so much of my Self doubt, and together with Time I found my voice, my song, my rhyme.

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I was forced to abandon myself and kept doing so time after time after time. One can imagine how relieving it can be, to not feel I have to threaten to leave each time I feel free. It was relationship’s fault not my mom’s or my sitter.

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There is responsibility however, so at times when I'm triggered - it's me who'll be bitter. Because! I cannot be left out, I’ll continue to do my part and if you do yours, we will experience less self doubt.

Not because of what you or my parents or anyone else did, but because I'm ok, I am worthy, I matter, always have, ever since I was that “kid.”

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Forced Abandonment of Self

Being forced to abandon your true self due to narcissistic (trauma) parenting is the precursor to emotional (not being permitted to express your Self as a child), physical (when a patent is no longer there due death or divorce or never was there). Or when a sibling is born, or has a need greater than average due to mental, physical or emotional health ) And if any of that happened between the ages of 0-3 when we develop our actual personality, the disorder of THAT kind of trauma often leads to an alternate developed or falsely developed self. It’s the intrusiveness of having to adhere to the overarching needs of an authority figure, which establishes that kind of codependent relationship for the rest of that child’s life.

Unless through intervention (usually because of drug/alcohol or sex or shopping or eating as a way to medicate what is unconsciously understood), that child who was forced to be an adult too early whom everyone praised or being so mature now an adult doesn’t know enough on how to be a grown up. But it’s the original relationship that was toxic or what was taught was toxic. So they either ignore the personality traits that everyone is noticing but says nothing, or they are in jail or they learn but only the through crisis. So toxic because it’s a relationship problem, a which means a relationship which is not toxic is the treatment! An object(ive) NOR objectifying relationship which is empathic, direct and flexible when they can try to thrive and not be judged. That’s therapy. That’s real and that’s honestly going to support you AND hold you accountable ... to your Self! #mentalwealrhawareness 

Cycling out of the cycle of Self Doubt

Part of breaking the cycle of Self Sabotage, Self loathing and serious Self Doubt, TRULY breaking it (aka HEALING) entails the a acceptance of reality. Our view of our caretakers as children is that of placing them on a pedestal (kid looks up to 🤔). From the (taking) advantage point 🤔 of an adult, we see them eye to eye not “mine, mine mine!” Taking our care

They are our equals in adult status as long as we stay our adult selves. From the inside out.

Looking at our parents instead of looking to them means allowing the hurt from their mistakes, and accepting that they DID know what they were doing at times. They did. They knew they could get help. They didn’t. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t.

Parenthetical statement:

[Ethical state meant for Parents]:

🤷🏾‍♂️

(Now try to keep going, keep reading pause if you must just don’t stop here. Like many mom & dads who permit their kid to therapy, ego and guilt become their next new charity. It’s a process for a reason so please be reasonable).

From that vantage point we see them in a way they didn’t see us when we REALLY needed them to. From that point of you, you see more clearly, more realistically because you are better able to see your Self that way.

When THAT happens, THEN we are both emotionally informed AND intellectually understand™️ that they, like us, are human. When we know better, we can say ‘no’ or ‘yes’ better.

We are no better than they knowing themselves to be better they than know us to be. Or not to be k

But they “no!” us forever or until we do better. But don’t. So then really... who’s better? Know one: Yourselves first then other.

We see ourselves as they see parts of themselves in us. We are not them. They are not us.

That me within their ‘we’ is a repair. Ready for a rebirth. A resurgence of our true Self. Our Real Selves. Selfish no more because we don’t HAVE TO be In order to get our needs met. We know: “no more” in the way it used to be. Toxic. Guilty. Zombie. For generations.

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Well, it’s time (minimum an hour) to regenerate. That means. Without being mean, find your own mean. You know on average to answer: “what do YOU mean?” Me an then you from your point of you.™️ You know what I mean? Why??

so that

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WE GENERATE FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS OUR OWNING OF OUR ONLY MEANS OF OUR ONLY ME. OUR WE WITHIN OUR ME.

Ar-e we me?

As we continue to know that “No, is a complete sentence, our sentencing is complete and we are better able to know that our life long sentence of our incomplete is now, in the present- how we feel: complete.

Seeing ourselves as humans being, doing then showing ourselves then others in that order. How not to resign to the time when my me wasn’t mine.

Now redefined, my me is mine and your you YOU define. We stay ourselves AND move together in time

Passing on. Breaking Patterns and meeting up with our own inner Devine. More calm than chaos, more curious than critical, we all end WITH our Selves and not actually alone as is believed by the typical.

We can then look back having examined our life and how it was back then. With pride, honor, respect that we stayed being us AND having HAD TO be them.™️

🗣+🛋=💪🏾

rogersfamilytherapy.com

It’s time to learn how to be attracted to what’s healthy, and why it took “so long!” for it to come to us!

Intellectual:

because the answers were in the question. It’s when he are questioning our Selves & others that we are blind to those answers within. The question is—-?

The Answer is too. Stop questioning. Pause. You first and then others get that same consideration. <—— THERE!

The answer to questions don’t lie. Lies don’t question to answer, duh!

They are questioning the asker. That’s way there are so many takers - away!

At most. Not least.

That’s my take a n y w a y. ™️

Clinging and Distancing as a way to Exist

Those with abandonment of The Self may use the principal defense mechanisms of clinging and distancing either exclusively or alternately at different times.

Whichever style of defense was used as a child to deal with separating from the mother becomes the dominant pattern in dealing with close interpersonal relationships.

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The adult who uses the clinging mechanism is projecting and acting out his wish for reunion with the mother onto the loved one. The wish contains a fantasy of being the exclusive center of  attention and receiving undiluted and constant approval from the other person.

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Usually in therapy, the initial complaints will focus on the other person’s shortcomings in being able to fulfill this impossible demand.

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The person with the Trauma of having to abandoned The Self, however, usually doesn’t realize how intolerable the demand is and will tend to deny that what he really hopes for is to be the center of an impossibly exclusive relationship.

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The adult who favors distancing as a defense mechanism often picks out a partner whose personality traits make any kind of relationship difficult if not impossible. The prospective partner may be aloof, self-centered, too busy or inaccessible, unrespondsive, or even physically or psychologically abusive, all of which encourages or justifies the distancing behavior on the part of the this person who has had to abandoned The Self.